Fucking Google Calendar.
I thought I was doing fine. Everything, for the most part, was going well. I hadn’t thought about you (other than when asked) for months. Life had gone on.
Then, on October 31st, it reminds me: November 7th, Amanda’s Birthday. When I saw that alert, it all came rushing back. Now, no matter how hard I try, I can’t get her off my mind again. Let me rephrase that: I can’t help but think about how happy I was at this time last year, and how miserable I am now.
At this time last year, I was in love. Less than a month earlier, I had decided to move across country. I had the woman that I felt I was going to spend my life with; the woman that I thought that I was going to build my future with. I was shopping for winter clothes. I was waking up early in the morning, making her breakfast, leaving endearing messages on the dry erase board that was on the refrigerator, and rubbing her feet when she got home after a long day of work (anyone who knows me KNOWS that is a major step for me, considering I hate feet). I was participating in the double dates with her sister and her boyfriend, helping her nephew with his homework, and going sledding down snow covered mountains. And I loved every minute of it.
I miss her.
I miss rolling over in the middle of the night, and hearing her softly snoring. I miss how when the curtains covering the bedroom windows were slightly opened, the moon light would come into the bedroom, and it would be the only light for hours, while we snuggled. I miss sleeping in on Saturday mornings, and then us going out together and walking the little terror that she called a dog. I miss us watching movies together, cooking together. All of the mushy stuff that I used to think only happened in horrible love movies. I miss being that couple that everyone else is sick of, because they are so maddeningly in love that it makes you re-evaluate your own relationship. I miss having that kind of love that is described in songs. She was the one that helped me remember that I am capable of loving again. She showed me that it was ok for me to give my heart to someone, to trust them with my most prized possession.
One year ago today, I felt like things couldn’t get any better. There was nothing that made me happier than knowing, that, above all, even if I lost everything, I had love. Today, one year later, I realize that I HAVE lost everything….and love is nowhere to be found.